That’s Big Fat Lie #1
Posted by Konk · 8 Comments
I dispel bit of vampire propaganda.
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8 Responses to “That’s Big Fat Lie #1”
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Yeah but what if it’s a hot sexy chick vampire? That can’t be any more unhealthy than the other women I’ve dated.
I not know what women you have dated in past, but since you still alive I can say vampire is worse. Date with “hot sexy chick vampire” may make for exciting night, but it is hard to boast about conquest when you are lying dead and rotting under cheap motel floor boards. Also you be surprised just how bad even attractive vampires smell. It make a maggot wretch his dead lunch.
Dear Professor Konk,
Is it actually true that you can kill a vampire with garlic? or would scentless garlic supplements be enough.
Sincerely,
Soccer Mom.
Good question! It is true the vampire hate garlic. But it will not kill like a good ash stake or daylight. It more like irritating allergy to these guy. Back in day you might find real garlic sensitive vamp who go into deadly garlic shock, but now they all carry the Epi-Pen.
Garlic is prevention not cure. Scentless supplement might work as practical joke for spiking vampire’s drink, but for real prevention I’d go for full power of fresh clove.
Say, didn’t we live in the same rooming house on Palmerston Blvd at one point? I think you went by the name “Big Mike” and I recall you consumed copious amounts of Hungarian plum brandy. You used to be a violin maker in Budapest but the only work you could get in Canada was as a carpenter framing houses. Then again, maybe not. Nevermind.
Mister Mulder!
How good to be making of your acquaintance once again. Yes, I have travelled under many name: Big Mike, Lazlo Cheminsky (the other half of Polish trio) and once as Gladys (less said of that the better). These day, since I am no longer hunted by minion of Cthulhu, I am proud to bear own name: Emil Konk.
Career as a violin maker was, of course, merely front for monster slaying activity. House on Palmerston, as you well know, was haunted by particularly nasty poltergeist – used to inflict heinous odour on occupants. I often blamed as source of these odour which contained trace of fetid plum brandy. I always more of schnapps man myself. Once evil spirit was defeated I move on.
Good to hear from you again. Do you still have that nasty rash?
All best, Konk.
Dear Mr. Konk,
If you are not wanting a relationship but desiring eternal life, isn’t becoming a vampire the solution? And how do vampires chose between who they want to kill and who they want to initiate?
Sincerely,
Charles Dexter Ward
The quest for eternal life has made many a human do some pretty stupid stuff. Hoping to get in good with vampire for chance at being changed rather than bled out, is unlikely scenerio. More likely if you kept alive at all, he or she will just string along for years with promise of eternal life and then dump you when new Renfield come along. Even if you catch “lucky break” and get changed, when you become vampire everything you are is destroyed. Eternal life as monster is not really life at all. Better to exercise, avoid the cigarettes and live long as you can in daylight.